leaving a lot behind

This Saturday, we again take off for Ghana. This time we go to custody court with our son, his caretakers and guardians, and the biological father and grandfather. While a ton of prep work has gone into this event and we hope that all the pieces are in place - a lot could happen in the course of a few days. We continue to pray that God will work and guide this as he has all along.

In the meantime, I have two weeks of classes and final to cram into one week. All this on top of trying to pack and prepare and work at the same time. There is a lot of things off balance during this season. It is a time to focus on what needs to be done. That does not necessarily mean that we only focus on things that have external deadlines.  Taking time to pray together, inform those around us what is happening how to pray. Take time to share joy, hopes, and struggles. While papers need to be written and ministry plans made - some things are fine on their own for a season.

A Reflection on Fatherhood

(as some readers might not know... my wife and I are adopting a baby from Ghana)

This week I was talking with a good friend who just became a father. I asked him if he was able to put words to the experience and after a repetitive series of “amazings” and “incredibles”, he said that there just were not words to describe the feeling of being a father. 

While I share the feeling of there being very few words to describe fatherhood, I will attempt a few.

In the crucifixion scene in the gospel of John, Jesus speaks from the cross and tells John to “meet your mother” and Mary to “meet your son.” I always found this peculiar for rarely is parenthood bestowed so matter-of-factly, abruptly, and powerfully. 

While there is nothing abrupt about waiting months to lay your eyes and hands on a child you know God has called you to love, the abruptness lies in the moment you see big brown, pleading eyes and hold chubby little hands in your own. That is when you realize that “this got real, fast!” 

Walking through the airport and turning the corner to see an older woman clothed in bright colors holding a little orphaned boy is a sight that I will never forget. Finally spending time with our son was overwhelming. Over the course of the week we got to observe his daily life and rhythms. We saw him tired, happy, cranky, full, sleeping, laughing, angry, posing for the camera and everything in between. He is an alert and well developed little guy. We could not be happier to be his parents. But, we also saw that so many others love him as well. Lil E is constantly being held and played with, he has enough food and many selfless caretakers. This is wonderful. But, by the second night in Ghana Allie and I were laying awake wondering if it truly was the right thing to do, to adopt this boy out of the culture he knew and away from the people who loved him. We prayed hard: ready to give up our pursuit if it was the right thing for this boy we had come to love.

It was the very next day that things began to get even more “real.” We spent the day trucking around the local village obtaining reports, documents and medical records. For the last of these we had to spend significant time in the open-air waiting room of the local hospital. It was then we had the opportunity to both ask the orphanage director if she believes we should adopt him and observe for ourselves why we should adopt him. When asked, the director said that she was overjoyed to have us become E’s parents. She said he needed a bright future and caring, constant parents to love and guide him. While this was easing the fears in our hearts, we also took stock of the situation around us. It was clear that the future for our son, as an orphan in poverty, would be rather bleak. Even with so many caretakers in his life, E will eventually cease to be the baby of the village and grow to be like the many older children in the orphanage: cared for and looked after – but not deeply loved. 

But, for today, the deep love we have for our son remains at a distance. We are waiting to hear when we will travel back to Ghana for a court date. It will be amazing to see him again soon.

Below the Line

Hungry.  I am hungry and I am even going to have 3 meals today.

During the month of October, our church takes time to celebrate the ways God is using our church in mission outside our four walls.  This includes updates with our local and global ministry partners, collecting a special offering to help with special mission projects and learning to experience mission in new ways. This year one of our community’s experiences is our own version of “Living Below the Line.” Over half of the global population lives on less than $2/day. Over 25% of the world lives on less than $1.50/day. What is profoundly sad, is that although we are choosing to EAT on less than $1.50/day this week – these stats are about people who LIVE on that same amount. This means housing, clothing, medical, AND food. This week, when the hunger pangs come and the lack of immediate energy seems the norm, we are encouraged to realize the excess that is our “normal.” We are encouraged to pray for those who are in need. We are encouraged to make room for the Holy Spirit to move in our daily life and in our imagination. We are encouraged to imagine ways that we can help others, who daily live below the poverty line, obtain sufficient food.

Below is our weekly menu:

Black Beans (cooked from dry)

Brown Rice (Organic Short Grain)

Oats

Bananas

Local Farm Eggs

Organic Spinach

Coffee

Cinnamon

Crushed Red Pepper

Salt/Pepper

A Handful of Peanuts

Total for the week: 14.97

Please pray that as we (and others from our faith community) engage in this rejection of excess, that God moves in miraculous ways that we find ourselves amazed at what God can do through the hearts of those who open space for Him to move.

One brief story before I sign off. A phone conversation from earlier today with my friend:

Mark:    Dude, lets grab a brew this week and catch up.

Tim:       Well, I’d love to but we are living on less than $1.50/day this week…

Mark:    Cool, well, uh, what if I bought it for you?

something a little outlandish

Life right now is pretty crazy. That is even putting it lightly. Trying to navigate full-time masters classes, oftentimes full-time work and ministry, spending quality time with my wife, walking through the international adoption process for our son, and some attempt at a social life is no easy task. Time is very sparse, and the term "free-time" is laughable most days.

So, in the midst of all of this, I took off for a long weekend to hunt antelope in Wyoming. This is something that I have done for the past few years with very good friends. As much as this may seem (and in some ways is) like a selfish vacation at the most inopportune time, it is part of my personal soulcare and the fruits of this trip pay dividends to my family and ministry as a result.  Being offbalance does not always make sense, but it helps at times.

why a lack of balance?

Why not strive for balance in life? Why not just get really good at juggling lots of events and roles? Practice enough so that one can always keep the plates spinning?

Well - those are all worthy questions.
Let me try and explain.

The idea of purposeful imbalance came to me first from a mentor and teacher who's book and articles on this very subject I never took the time to read. I have always learned more through observing and conversation anyway. "offbalance simplicity" hopes to point to a life lived to the full - to oppose the idea that if all areas and relationships in life are kept neatly in check and "balanced," life is not as vibrant or exciting as it could be. I hope, over the coming months and posts to help flesh this out - for my own benefit and health, as well as the reader (I hope).  But, until next time, let's ponder the question...

How might us striving for a sense of "balance" limit God's work in our lives or relationships?
(any specific places we know/feel?)

welcome

Here I hope to reflect on dreams, ideas, experiences, and questions about becoming a father, maintaining purposeful imbalance in ministry and life.